The pressure parents feel to do everything perfectly can be tough in the best of times. Add a crisis into the mix—like the one my community just experienced with Hurricane Helene—and the weight of “doing it all” can feel positively crushing. As part of my effort to support our community, I’m offering free coaching and consultations to Western North Carolina families affected by Hurricane Helene.
In my latest blog post, I address some ways you can use routine and ritual to find balance in times of stress. As we settle into the post-disaster phase, I want to introduce you to the concept of “good enough” parenting. This approach is crucial regardless of whether you’re in a disaster zone or just navigating the stressors of everyday life. Embracing ‘good enough’ parenting can help relieve stress, build resilience, and promote a healthier relationship between you and your child.
‘Good Enough’ Parenting: Why Secure Attachment Isn’t About Perfection
The idea of “good enough” parenting was first introduced by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s, who challenged the belief that parents should meet every need of their child perfectly. According to Winnicott’s observations, being responsive and present about 30% of the time was enough to promote a secure attachment bond between parents and children in his psychology practice. That’s three times out of ten: totally doable!
Modern research supports this. In 2010 Beebe and McCrorie identified an ‘optimum midrange,’ where children develop resilience when their parents are attuned a good portion of the time—neither too much nor too little. Similarly, more recent findings by Susan S. Woodhouse (2019) suggest that caregivers only need to “get it right” about 50% of the time to foster secure attachment.
Whether the number is 30%, 50%, or something in between, the takeaway is the same: there’s plenty of room for bad days, missed cues, and moments of frustration. What matters most is showing up as best you can and being emotionally available when it counts.
We Can Do Better than Perfect
Trying to meet every need perfectly is not only unnecessary, but it can lead to burnout for parents and unrealistic expectations for children. Perfectionism in parenting has been linked with higher rates of anxiety and stress for parents and children alike. Constantly striving to be a flawless caregiver often leads to feelings of inadequacy and guilt when the inevitable missteps occur.
In fact, when children experience moments of mismatch and repair, where their parents may misunderstand their needs but later reconnect and attune, this can strengthen resilience. The key is not avoiding mistakes, but learning how to repair and restore the connection afterward. Studies like Edward Tronick‘s ‘Still Face’ experiment demonstrate how repair of a disrupted connection can take some time, so try to be patient. This dynamic of rupture and repair is a natural part of relationships and contributes to emotional resilience.
The key is not avoiding mistakes, but learning how to repair and restore the connection afterward.
The Role of Parental Self-Regulation & Co-Regulation
Another important aspect of “good enough” parenting is self- and co-regulation. Children’s ability to manage stress is directly tied to their parent’s ability to regulate their own emotions. According to polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), a parent’s calm presence helps a child’s nervous system learn to regulate.
Since a child’s developing brain isn’t yet capable of self-regulating in many ways, they rely on what psychologists call ‘co-regulation.’ They learn to manage their emotions with the help of a caregiver, by seeing effective strategies modeled again and again. Research in developmental neuroscience, particularly by Allan Schore, shows that consistent, responsive caregiving plays a crucial role in helping children learn to calm themselves.
In some ways ‘self-regulation’ for parents is a misnomer, because the reality is that we often need help from outside resources to reinstate emotional equilibrium. Practical resources include mindfulness, laughter, social support, and spending time in nature. Parents who have self-regulation practices likely have better outcomes in helping their children manage emotions, especially during times of stress (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
Practice Letting Go
If you’re feeling the weight of perfectionism, here are some practical tips to help you embrace “good enough” parenting:
- Accept Imperfection: Remind yourself that no parent can meet every need perfectly, and that’s okay. Aim to be present and responsive most of the time, and give yourself grace when you are not. Mistakes are inevitable and are part of building resilience in your child.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Parenting is challenging, especially in times of stress. Lower your expectations and allow room for mistakes. When you’re overwhelmed, take a breath and remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and that’s enough.
- Focus on Connection Over Perfection: Rather than striving to keep everything under control, focus on moments of meaningful connection with your child. Brief but emotionally present interactions, like shared laughter or a hug, can provide more emotional security than constantly aiming for perfection.
- Repair Matters More Than Mistakes: When things go wrong—whether you lose your temper or miss your child’s cues—what matters most is how you repair the relationship afterward. A heartfelt apology, a soothing gesture, or simply acknowledging the rupture can strengthen your bond and show your child that it’s normal to make mistakes and recover from them.
- Find Social Support: Parenting is much easier when you don’t feel isolated. Build a strong support network by connecting with friends, family, or parenting groups. Social support has been shown to reduce parental stress and improve emotional outcomes for children. Whether it’s venting to a friend or asking for help, leaning on others is a crucial part of maintaining your own well-being.
Reframing Success in Parenting
When you have a lot on your plate, it can be helpful to redefine what success looks like in your parenting. Success doesn’t mean checking every item off your list or avoiding every mistake. Rather, success can look like providing a loving environment where your child feels secure, even when life is chaotic.
Children benefit from seeing their parents manage stress and challenges in healthy ways. When they witness you navigating tough emotions and situations, they learn that it’s okay to struggle and that relationships can endure and grow stronger through adversity. There are many resources out there with tips for how to manage stress in healthy ways. The Child Mind Institute offers research-informed advice on this topic and more.
Conclusion: You’re Doing Better Than You Think
Parenting is never going to be perfect, and that’s okay. As long as you’re showing up, being present, and doing your best most of the time, you’re doing enough. Perfection isn’t required for a secure attachment; it’s the consistent, loving moments that matter most.
So, give yourself grace and remember: you don’t have to get it right all the time to be a good enough parent.
If you’d like additional personalized support and are a resident of an area in Western North Carolina impacted by Hurricane Helene, reach out for free support. I also offer free 30 minute consults for all.