There’s a sentiment I’ve heard echoed among those who study the nervous system: once you begin to see how it works, the world around you never quite looks the same. This has certainly been my experience, and it serves as a significant driving force in my work with parents and educators. Our remarkable neural network, which forms the foundation of the mind-body connection and facilitates connections between individuals, offers a valuable perspective for understanding human behavior. The deeper your understanding of it, the more you begin to perceive not just ‘people’ moving through the world, but nervous systems in motion.
This article aims to shed light on one of the biggest ways in which knowledge of the nervous system can transform your outlook and the way you interact with children. Understanding your child’s nervous system can free you from the need to figure out the right thing to “do” – and help you shift your focus to offering your presence to the children in your care.
Let’s take a look at what it means to offer presence to a child, why this is effective from a nervous system perspective, and a few of the ways you might apply this in your family or classroom.
Presence, Authenticity, and Attunement
Being present with a child isn’t about achieving some mythical state of perpetual calm or empathy devoid of personal emotions. In fact, we’ll explore in a moment how authenticity is a part of effective presence. By definition, being present with a child should look different for each individual. The children under our care know us well, they know our energies and personalities, and they are perceptive enough to know when we’re faking something. They still need us to be ourselves – just the most attuned version of ourselves that we can muster. As we’ll discuss next, this is a skill that requires cultivation, involving both self-awareness and observation of a child’s cues.
Walking the Line of Attunement & Authenticity
Attunement in the context of adult-child relationships refers to when I, the adult, open my awareness to the cues a child is giving that are an expression of their needs and experience of the world in that particular moment. Once aware, I can shift my own energy to a state that communicates to that child that I’m right there with them. I can then take action (or be still) as needed. As Dr. Dan Siegel, psychiatry professor at UCLA, puts it, “When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of ‘feeling felt’ that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected.”
It’s important to realize that like any skill, attunement takes practice. You’re not expected to know how to do it right away, or to get it right every time. All adults have stressful days and moments when we’re not quite balanced enough in ourselves to tune in to a child’s experience. No one is a mind reader, and babies and most young children are not able to tell us clearly what’s going on with them.
In fact, research indicates that kiddos can have a healthy attachment with their parents even when they’re managing attunement only about a third of the time. Another third is spent misreading what a child needs. The last – and perhaps most important – third is spent repairing the misinterpretations. We have ample room to mess it up, as long as we’re coming back to the connection and repairing our mistakes.
Here are a few examples of attunement (bearing in mind that it will look a bit different for every individual and family):
Attunement to Self
- Noticing when your breath becomes shallow or rapid and giving yourself a few deep breaths or sighs
- Catching yourself when you feel like snapping at someone out of frustration, and doing a self check in to see what you need (a snack? A walk around the block? A friend to talk to?)
- Observing that you feel overtired and finding little ways to preemptively make the day easier on yourself
Attunement to an Infant
- Recognizing what is causing a baby to cry and acting to meet their need (i.e. feeding them if they are hungry or picking them up and saying ‘ssshhh’ if they wake up crying)
- Noticing that a baby’s cries decrease or stop when you provide a personalized soothing gesture; continuing that gesture until a baby seems calm and then slowly tapering off according to baby’s cues
- Seeing that a baby appears energized and is babbling; holding them, speaking to them with similar pitch and inflection; or noticing when their eyes go wide or they exhibit some other sign that you may be speaking too loudly or too much for them in that moment
Attunement to a Young Child
- Kneeling down to the height of a child and tuning in to their facial and body expressions
- Coming to sit near a child (while observing and respecting cues about how close or far they might want you)
- Reflecting back to a child what you’re noticing, while also projecting a warm, calm confidence i.e. “I see you’re throwing your blocks, and that tells me maybe you’re really upset about something.”
It’s critical to know that if you are having a hard time figuring out what a child needs, that’s not a reflection of how much you love them or that you’re doing a bad job. There are many factors that can get in the way of attunement for all of us. The more you bring those factors into your awareness, the better you can learn to work with them. Such variables might include: adult and child temperament, sensitivities, triggers from past experiences, overtiredness or depletion, lack of exercise, poor eating, and the list goes on.
The good news is, there are two very simple practices you can take up if you’re looking to improve attunement with a child:
- Develop a mindfulness or self-awareness practice for yourself
- Practice observing your child without judging the behavior (take detailed notes, because it’s easy for the days to run together! And that way you’ll have a clearer picture when you want to speak with a trusted friend or professional)
Choosing and Developing a Self Awareness Practice
Developing a self awareness practice is a highly personal process, into which we can dive deeper if we work together. Your practice might involve mindfulness and meditation, journaling, therapy, a small reflective church or spiritual group, regular time in nature etc. Whatever you do, it should allow you to start becoming more comfortable with observing your own internal states. Practicing during calm moments on a regular basis (i.e. while the kids are asleep or before we come to work as an educator) means that when the tricky moments come, we already have that muscle memory built up in a way that allows us to stay more aware while under stress. We can begin to notice when we’re feeling depleted or worried or scared and how those feelings affect our actions and the quality of our presence.
Caregiving and parenting involves walking the fine line of offering children the best version of our authentic self that is available to us in any given moment. By that I mean, there’s no need to copy what you see other parents or educators doing, unless that feels useful to you. Children can sense and enjoy having an authentic version of us. But they also need us to be as resourced and balanced as possible when responding to them (and watching you is how they will learn to resource and balance themselves). So while it’s good for children that we are our natural selves, we also can’t expect them to hold our stresses. They simply don’t have the brain architecture or skills for that. It’s very helpful to learn your own cues of distress, depletion etc. For me, noticing when I’m feeling reactive to a situation rather than curious about a child’s experience is a cue to pause and acknowledge that to myself – probably even to nurture myself in some small way – before trying to deal with an upset child.
With time (and it does take time), we can learn to be our authentic selves and show up with curiosity and attunement for the children in our care. And by living those two pieces together – attunement and authenticity – we teach children an invaluable lesson: that it is possible and okay to stay true to yourself while in an attachment relationship. This has huge implications for a child’s future capacity in relationships of all kinds.
Understanding the Nervous System Perspective
In my role as an early childhood professional, I’ve frequently received feedback from parents and fellow educators about my calming presence. For years, parents would inquire about my “method” with their children, hoping to replicate the positive results I achieved. However, prior to my understanding of the brain-body connection and the autonomic nervous system, I struggled to articulate why my approach yielded such favorable outcomes. I attempted to guide parents in mimicking my body language or speech patterns, but these superficial strategies failed to empower them to be their authentic selves. If pressed to explain my rapport with infants and toddlers, I’d simply say, “I try to just be with them.”
I now know that there are biological and neurological bases for this strategy of ‘just being’ with children. Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory posits that certain aspects of the nervous system are wired to pick up cues in the environment around us and interpret to what degree we are safe or in danger. When I sit with a child, offering them my full attention and presence, their nervous system instinctively picks up on signals of safety emitted by my body language. My demeanor communicates that I feel settled, my heart rate remains steady, I smile warmly when moved to do so, and my voice carries a relaxed tone – all in a manner that feels natural and genuine to me. In most cases (though individual circumstances may vary), children perceive safety in my presence when I embody this state. Conversely, if my signals were agitated or if I attempted to feign calmness inauthentically, a child might interpret this as a cue for danger, potentially leading to their own agitation or disconnection.
Essentially, the more a child perceives their caregiver as fully present with them, the more their own system interprets that as a cue of safety and begins to relax. And as their system relaxes, they become more receptive and curious. They are primed for connection and learning; they can better handle transitions and new experiences. In nervous system terms, this is known as having the ventral vagal system activated. According to Polyvagal Theory, the ventral vagus nerve and its associated circuitry make up the most recent addition to the nervous system in evolutionary terms. The way in which that system allows us to convey and respond to social cues is evidently specific to mammals. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘tend and befriend,’ that is referring to activation of the ventral vagus nerve.
The takeaway is that children need us to tune into the state of their nervous system and address difficult behaviors from the body up (taking actions that will help restore their ventral vagal system). If we do this, the need to think about coercion, rewards, bribes, and all those other behavior modification strategies typically falls away. Simply put, the more we cultivate presence with ourselves and our children, the freer we are to focus on our connection, rather than on behaviors.
Practical Applications of Presence
Let’s look at some tangible examples of how you can apply an awareness of nervous system states and an offering of attuned presence:
Sleep
Understanding what cues the nervous system requires to perceive the environment as safe, thus reducing cortisol (the stress hormone) and promoting melatonin (the sleep hormone), is crucial for sleep. Establishing a calming atmosphere approximately 45-60 minutes before naptime and 2 hours before bedtime can help foster success. This involves minimizing sensory stimuli by tidying up the environment, dimming lights, lowering noise levels, and consciously adopting a slower pace and softer tone of voice. Remember, nervous systems communicate with one another, so if you’re keyed up, your child’s system will likely reflect that agitation.
Additionally, familiarize yourself with when melatonin levels naturally rise for bedtime at different ages; for toddlers, this typically occurs around 8 pm. Attempting to enforce an earlier bedtime may result in unnecessary conflict, so it’s essential to heed your child’s cues and adjust accordingly. Importantly, it is absolutely normal for babies and young children to wake up in the middle of the night through age five. Frequency and the reason for waking will change as a child develops, but the idea that a child ‘should’ sleep through the night is a highly misleading myth in modern culture.
Finally, learn to read each individual child’s cues that they are sleepy. When you have set the stage with a calming environment, that’s likely to make these cues easier to read.
Emotions
When your child experiences intense emotions, they don’t necessarily need you to solve their problems. Of course, if there is something scary or unsettling in their environment, they rely on you to remove them or it in order to have a chance of calming down. Beyond that though, what they need is your confident, reassuring presence and your acceptance of their feelings. Understand that your physical presence and touch are crucial for helping them regulate their emotions, especially when they wake up in the middle of the night. While sacrificing sleep might seem daunting, being fully present for your child can ultimately soothe their distress over time. You don’t need an elaborate plan or a sleep trainer; simply being there for them can work wonders.
Eating
Respond to your baby’s feeding cues rather than adhering to a schedule. You don’t need to meticulously track their feeding times; instead, attune yourself to your child’s needs and offer nourishment accordingly. If you’re bottle feeding, look into paced feeding. Make sure you have the right nipple flow so that you don’t overwhelm your little one with milk. Whether breast or bottle feeding, you might have some anxiety about whether your baby is getting enough to eat. Kellymom.com is a great resource for knowing whether your baby is eating enough, as well as many other postpartum questions.
As your kiddo transitions to solid foods, consider sharing your meals with them in age appropriate form to encourage healthy eating habits. Provide healthy options and allow older infants and toddlers to choose when they are finished eating. Talk about sensations in the body that tell us when we’re hungry or full. All of this helps contribute to a child’s ability to start tuning in to their own body signals.
Toilet Training
When it comes to potty training, patience and understanding are key. First, always make sure a child is physically ready before offering use of the toilet. Avoid pressuring your child or imposing strict timelines; instead, approach the process with empathy and support, allowing them to progress at their own pace. Stay aware of your own feelings on the subject. Children can sense when we’re invested in a particular outcome or timeline, and they may internalize that pressure and begin to resist in order to assert their autonomy. I like to refer folks to Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s book The Gentle Potty Training Book (no affiliation – she just has a great approach!).
Conclusion
By embracing the concept of doing less and ‘being’ more, you can cultivate deeper connections with the children in your care. Your presence and body can help cue a child that all is well, fostering an environment where they feel safe, understood, and empowered to be their full authentic selves. It’s not about perfecting a method, but about learning to track and resource your own nervous system, and embodying a state of genuine connection.
If you’d like to dig deeper into any of these ideas, feel free to reach out for a free consultation.