We live in a complex and challenging world, and we want our children to be resilient, to be able to cope. We, as adults, also endure many stressors that can influence our own patience or energy when responding to moments of distress in our children. As a result, it’s common practice in many communities to give young children the message that they’re “fine” when sometimes they are not. In this post we’ll explore how that kind of messaging can land in the nervous system and why it may not be having the effect you want to have. We’ll also look at some possible alternative responses.
Imagine this scenario. Your child is innocently exploring the playground when an older child whizzes by, accidentally knocking her over. Depending on her temperament (see my post on temperament types), she could have a range of reactions – but for our purposes let’s say she begins to cry.
You can see that she isn’t physically hurt. You give her a quick “you’re fine!” then turn your back to continue talking to another parent in the hopes that she’ll sort the feelings out on her own and move on.
You want her to learn to be strong and brush it off. You want her to develop some resilience and grit. After all, life has much tougher things in store, and ultimately you want her to be prepared!
Tears are a Sign that the System is Working
You’re right that this little playground bump is not a big deal in the scheme of things. All those intentions you have for your kiddo are well placed. I’m not here to tell you that you’ve traumatized your child in the past by brushing off moments of mild or medium distress. Indeed, humans have evolved to be highly adaptable and resilient to bumps and ruptures in the caregiving relationship.
But it’s important to realize that in crying out after being knocked off balance, your child is showing you that her systems are actually working perfectly. She is doing exactly what she should be doing. Her crying isn’t a sign of oversensitivity, or weakness, or that she won’t know how to brush things off in the future.
On the contrary, research shows that this mechanism – the act of crying out and being met with calm, confident support – is precisely what builds a child’s capacity to deal with hard things on her own in the future.
Note though, that meeting a child with calm, confident support is not the same thing as rushing over to them and expressing your own distress or deep concern. This kind of act can actually build up their own sense of fear or anxiety. Rather, your child needs you to keep your composure so that they can catch your calm. Let’s look a little more deeply into how that works.
Understanding the Attachment Bond and Cry
How do we understand the perfectly orchestrated brain-body response, based on billions of years of evolution, that caused your child to cry when she was knocked down? In brief, it boils down to two key components: the attachment bond and the nervous system’s roles in that.
The Attachment Bond
Your child has a bond with you that is centrally important to all that she does, what psychologists refer to as attachment. In a nutshell, humans are born so helpless and remain relatively defenseless in the world for so long (longer than any other animal on the planet), that it has been evolutionarily advantageous for them to bond with primary caregivers so that they’ll be taken care of and ultimately, survive. That’s why their chubby little thighs and faces give you so much joy. It’s the reason you know how to make them laugh better than anyone and the reason you can pick their voice out instantly in a room full of other people.
The Attachment Cry
Your nervous system and that of your child are attuned to one another. This mutual attunement allows your child to utilize this attachment bond whenever there is a perceived threat. Back to the example of being knocked off balance by a much larger child, that moment is probably going to register as a threat in your child’s nervous system, particularly if they have a more sensitive temperament. This is when the system kicks into a higher gear and there’s what psychologists call an “attachment cry.” The internal, unconscious narrative might read, “I’m scared and small and defenseless, so I’m going to cry out for help from my primary caregiver. I could try to run or fight back if things got serious, but let’s be honest – my odds are not good. So I’ll call for Mommy or Daddy first!”
You are an Extension of Your Child’s Nervous System
We’ve evolved so that once that caregiver steps in and provides reassurance, the nervous system can come back into equilibrium (this takes however long it takes, and will vary depending on how your child’s nervous system happens to be tuned – there is no normal, so try to stop comparing your child to others!). In other words, you are an extension of your child’s nervous system.
Other material on this topic may simply highlight how saying “you’re fine” can be invalidating for a child. True. But for me, getting this on a deeper nervous system and attachment level really drives home why this matters. It’s not just a trending philosophy of “gentle parenting” or a desire to make things easy on children. It’s understanding that you are built directly into your child’s nervous system as the bigger, stronger, wiser being who can step in when alarms go off and ensure that all will be well. They can’t do it for themselves yet when they’re very young. They don’t have the physical capacity, and they do not have the needed brain architecture. Even as they get older, these capacities will remain under construction for quite some time. As their primary caregiver, you have the incredible opportunity to provide and model the capacities and skills that you’ve spent so many years developing. While your child is still growing, you lend them your calm and your confidence.
The Impact of “You’re Fine”
We’ll consider what I would recommend you say in a moment, but first let’s consider the impact of the response “You’re fine.” (Take note, this kind of messaging comes in many other forms such as “you’re okay,” “don’t cry,” “go play,” and body language communication that does not welcome the child in for comfort).
Children are Literal and Self-Absorbed
Young children take things very literally. You might have seen those memes where a child is asked to do something like “keep your eye on the ball” and they walk up to the ball and literally press their eyeball against it. A simplified developmental explanation for this is that children are best served by first learning the literal meanings of words before they begin to understand metaphor, nuance etc. So when a child’s internal alarm system is screaming at them, things are not okay!! and you step in and say that they are, in fact, “okay,” they may not hear the reassurance you intend. Likely, the child takes your words literally and this is what they hear:
- I’m wrong to cry
- My alarm system is malfunctioning and giving me false information (which would be a threat to survival) or
- My primary caregiver does not see and understand when something is wrong with me (also a threat).
Of course, these aren’t the messages you’re trying to convey!
It’s the Message that Counts
This isn’t an attempt to police the exact words that come out of your mouth when your child is in distress. Instead I’m encouraging a thoughtful consideration of what message you want to convey to your child in these moments of distress. We can sum up an effective response with a simple mantra: calm, compassionate confidence. Do what you can to keep your own system calm (seriously, take those deep breaths and actually calm your ow body, because children can pick up on hidden emotions); express compassion for what happened; and convey your loving confidence (mostly through body language and tone) that all will be well. As Janet Lansbury likes to say, stay “unruffled.”
Whatever you decide to say, remember to keep it simple, both because young children are very literal and because they are not capable of processing complex language when their emotions are activated. And focus on projecting that calm, compassionate confidence.
Possible Responses
Below are a few ways you could acknowledge what happened, validate what they’re feeling, and let them know you’re there for them. Play with the wording until it feels natural for you. After all, your child wants to hear from you, not me! 🙂
- I saw you fall down.
- Oh, you got bumped!
- You’re crying. You seem [scared, hurt, startled].
- I’m here.
- I’m holding you now.
- You’re safe.
You can also help them notice their own nervous system re-regulating and co-regulating with yours:
- You’re taking a big breath now.
- I can feel your body relaxing in my arms.
- We’re breathing together.
Tools Beyond Words
Young children are very energetically attuned, so often responding to them is about more than just words. And keep in mind that during moments of intense emotional activation, the language processing center in the brain is relatively offline. Sometimes I find I don’t need to use any words at all.
Here are some non verbal strategies that I use with young children, which may or may not be accompanied by words. They match my style with children, but you may have your own style and your own versions of these:
- Kneel down to the child’s level to convey I am available to them on a heart to heart level
- Notice, slow, and deepen my own breathing as a cue to both myself and the child that all is well in the big picture (this is one form of resourcing my own nervous system, and you may have others)
- Hold my arms out with a loving look on my face that invites the child to come to me
- If they’re too absorbed in their feelings to come to me and they seem okay with being picked up (they don’t give cues such as pushing me away or crying harder), I will sometimes just slowly gather them into my arms and offer comfort that way
- This one includes speaking but is more energetic than verbal – often just before I pick a child up, I say “come” in a slow, warm, inviting tone
- Giving that cue of “come” let’s the child know I’m planning to come into their physical space. The tone conveys my calm and confidence that the child may feel better once we have contact. Finally, it lets me gauge the their reaction before I pick them up so that I have a sense of whether they’re open. It does no good to pick up a toddler with the purpose of comforting them if what they actually need is space to kick and scream in that moment (this is a different story for crying infants, who pretty much always need to be picked up)
These strategies are strengthened each time you practice them with your child, and you can fine tune what works for you and your child as you go. They are not by any means the only strategies that work with young children, and if you have others in your family, I would be delighted for you to leave a comment about that below.
It Doesn’t Need to Be Perfect
You may be thinking that these sound like fine suggestions, but sometimes you just don’t have the patience, energy, or time to respond to your child in every little moment of distress. This is so real, and all this information is not a call for you to do anything “perfectly.”
In fact, nature has made us highly resilient to caregiver “imperfections;” children are built to handle it pretty well in the big picture when their caregivers don’t get it quite right all the time. Research by Ed Tronick suggests that we only need to get it “right” (be attuned to our child) about a third of the time for them to form a secure, healthy attachment with us. Tronick’s work suggests that parents of securely attached kiddos spend another third of their time not quite getting it right. And then that final third of the time is very important. Repair. This is when we explicitly acknowledge that we messed up after the fact, and we come back to reconnect.
Basically, as long as you are not leaving your child to cry alone (research shows that more cortisol is released in the brain when children cry alone than with a trusted adult), you’re getting it right at least a third of the time, and you’re taking the time to repair when you get it wrong – you’re gonna be okay.
I also encourage you to take those moments when you find yourself reacting to react negatively to your child’s cries of distress as opportunities to peer into the window of your own nervous system. Maybe you’re sleep deprived and that’s making you more impatient. Maybe there are other stressors in your life using up all the internal resources you have at this time. That’s all normal, and it’s okay to be there. When this happens to me (and believe me it does, because I have a pretty sensitive nervous system), I try and just make a mental note for myself, “Oh, I’m feeling impatient here because I really need some sleep.” Or “I just don’t want to have to pick this kiddo up again because my body is so tired today.” I give myself grace in the moment, take time for deep breaths or whatever I need to regroup short term, and then I prioritize my needs (not the laundry or those unread emails) when that child is finally sleeping. Only by taking care of ourselves can we be resourced enough to resource our children.
Conclusion
So, the next time your child faces a setback, don’t try to smooth it over immediately. Embrace the opportunity to connect on a deeper level, and you will be fostering not just resilience but a profound understanding of safety and security that will resonate throughout their journey of growth and development.
If you’d like to learn more about the role you play in your child’s nervous system, reach out for a complimentary session.